The Next Big Idea

I think I know what I want to start writing about.

Without giving too much away, I'll say that it's very personal, it's inspired by what I call the Nate stories, and it's wildly, embarrassingly influenced by the friend's manuscript I'm reading right now. And that I'm both excited and nervous, which is always a good thing.

Tomorrow - my off-work Friday, is the first day I'll attempt to dive in.

The Next Disappointment?

I'm finding myself thinking a lot about writing. Lying in bed at night spinning elegant, emotionally rich sentences. Sentences that speak volumes about character and motivation and backstory and plot. I'm finding myself not getting up from bed to capture those ideas.

Is it that my physical health seems to be taking precedence this first week of this 40th year? That my need to feel on a healthy path is more powerful than my need to feel on an artistic one? I mean, I'm reading and editing a ton, and having a smart, artsy movie renaissance.

So perhaps "the next disappointment" is too strong. Maybe I should trust my "I'll write on every other Friday - at least" plan. (Ask me on Monday how that went.) ;)

The Next Reality (started Monday, finished Tuesday a.m.)

I still need to go to work.

Ah! There's the rub with all this planning/organizing/reading/silence/breathing.... work. How did I manage to forget?

Yesterday, I organized and read, giving in to the siren call of a clean, open office where I can look out the window and write novels so gorgeous that virgin hearts break. Or something. Call it the "Room of One's Own" procrastination. The idea that with "just the right space," the next novel would flow.

I also saw 127 HOURS, the James Franco/Danny Boyle movie about the hiker who, trapped in a canyon, cut off his own arm to survive. So whatever complaints I may have, let's keep a little perspective, shall we?

I also spent the entire day silent, moving like a quiet mouse through my busy, productive day. It was wonderful.

Today, at work, I resolve to talk less and listen more. To enjoy the gifts this job offers, and to be intentional about my Fridays off. This coming Friday, we have plans in the afternoon (family event) but the morning is mine, and 9-12 will be work time. What work? Which fiction? I don't exactly know, but Nate seems closest to ripe for re-starting from scratch.

The Next Challenge

Today is a silent day, eyes open to eyes close.

Matt is 100% supportive, and even having some fun with it - making some notes of things we'll talk about when I talk again, "blocking three hours" tomorrow to hear what I have to say. Last night I even nervously asked him if I was crazy for doing this (something I'd never have done back in my Ptown/post-Ptown artist days) and he shut the self-doubt down for me. Told me it was great, and valuable. Reminded me that his parents have both done silent retreats all their lives as they search for insight. While I don't aspire to follow his parents footsteps, I'm reminded again how incredibly lucky I am to have him.

But beyond the silence, I don't have a real goal for today, which causes me to clench up a bit. Because if I'm taking a day for myself (note to self: why the word "taking"?) don't I then have a responsibility to pay it forward with art, or fitness, or organization, or capital-P "peace"?

Or can I just try this not-so-easy day of silence out, and see what follows? (See Christa again, #s 1, 2 and 5).

So today is about feeling the day as it comes. I do have an organizing project in mind; I'm daunted by Day 3 of no soda (my only official resolution); excited to finish the novel I'm reading and start reviewing a friend's manuscript. I even put in some time for work last night, so I could truly sign off from all communications today. Matt and I kissed goodbye, and I think today was the first time he said "I love you" when I didn't say it back. I'll have to tell him extra tomorrow, in trade. :)

The organizing project has also reacquainted me with some old stories and made me miss a few of my characters again: this week, it's the Gare du Nord ladies and Nate Wheeler and his stepdad.

But, again, today's goal is simply silence. It's one I'm excited to have underway.

Alex

PS: Anyone know of a non-religious silent retreat, maybe out in nature, I could try?

The Next Question

How Quickly Will I Falter? (Yes, I put that in all caps.)

Right now, I'm fighting frustration at skype and ichat, both of whom - on this fancy new computer - are telling me they don't know who I am.

Maybe it's a sign of being in the year I turn 40? The continuing chasm between me and my effectiveness in the digital world? (Irony alert: I question tech-savviness via blog. Or is that even ironic anymore? Are blogs "so" 2010?)

The faltering, however, is more due to my lack of enthusiasm for what, by all measures is a lovely day. A friend in town for brunch. A movie with a few other friends later this afternoon. And yet somehow those minor events read to me as obstructions from what I "should" do: get to the gym, do a little work reading, finish the book I'm reading, see if I can't bring one of my fallow characters back to life. (I'm also sitting here fighting with free video-messaging software because I've got an 8a.m. chat-date with a buddy in London. OK, techies - it's not all bad.)

So that's the question for the day: Here, on January 2nd, can I call it failure already, when it's only 8a.m.? Or do I need to drop the whiny pretenses, and just get up and go about my day?

What's Next? Why Now?

I've been reading a friend's blog of late.

She writes consistently, every single day, but freely acknowledges the importance of marking things like holidays, turns of season, and a new year. So while I cringe a bit at re-launching this blog on January 1st (the same day I quit soda - again, as I have almost every year in the past decade) I also realize that I don't have to let anything get in my way. Thanks, Christa, for that.

I also realized, just around the stroke of midnight, that while I don't turn 40 until late June, this is the year I turn 40. And that it's very important to me to feel as if I'm creating a life that will give me another 40 years as rewarding as the 39 years, 6 months and 1 day I've had so far.

So this blog takes another turn. The alphabet prompts and "Danny Gets Fat" remain on hiatus, but I'm hoping to take a new look at things, here, starting today.

What will it mean to be 40? Who do I expect to be at 40, and in the hopefully many years beyond? What stories does a 40-year-old need to write?

The year I turned thirty, I started the year lost. I'd been left by a man I loved; I'd gained weight I didn't want; I'd recently taken a job I knew was a mistake. In short, I felt trapped by the life I'd built. At 29, I didn't trust the track I was on.

I also realized, in January of that year, that I could change things. That I could upend the "rules" and expectations of my life, and do something new. I did some great things that year, all of which helped me get where I am today.

So, what great things will I do this year? I know we will run a 10-miler, and intend to run a half-marathon. (The we is Matt and I. He is not something I want to change.) I intend to make more of my free time and to be more accepting of times that seem out of my control. I need to be a more engaged brother to a harried sister, and a more helpful son to two sets of parents who are quite quickly growing old. Finally, and this blog should be a central part of it: I need to write.

In retrospect, I did a lot of writing last year, putting down tens of thousands of words on 3 new novel ideas. As of today, none of them shout to me that they are "the story," but I do believe "the story" is there. Perhaps, I should say "the next story" instead. Perhaps that should be the new title of this blog: The Next Story. The Next Forty Years.

Here's to the next half of my life. Cheers.

Its Been A While

Since I've written. I think I gave up a little bit, back in April, when I was departing for a 2-week international work trip, attempting to hire a new writer at my job, and (frankly) just feeling overwhelmed.

I had intended to post a notice announcing a break - a long break or a short break I didn't know -but failed to even deliver that.

So let this announce a break. I'm on a break. Hopefully (given that I enjoyed reading a bit about Danny just now.....) I'll be back sooner than I think.